Daily

I missed the theme but I did say that I had put a lot of thought into it!  Daily for me these days seem to be a total rollercoaster ride!  I just want the world to STOP so I can get off for a while!  When I decided I needed a break from TUT it was because of the constant emotional rollercoaster I have been on with Megs.  I had given in and decided I need help and started counselling - something had to give and it was TUT! 

My counselling session consisted of me sobbing for almost an hour!  I had re-run issues in my life over and over and analysed each and everyone of them to see why I just could not pick my self up from this knock.

I began to realise that every single word we say and each of our actions has a huge ripple effect on everyone around us.  For one, I had held onto words said to me a long time ago that I was an unfit mother!  I thought about it - I linked evidence to the contrary and realised the words are not what I have been holding on it - an action resulting from the words is what I have held on to.  I wanted to know for sure that I came first in Lance's life!  He didn't show me that then - all those years ago when those words were spoken!  I felt rejected - I felt ashamed - I started to believe them then with courage I closed the lid on that box and burried it deep!  Then during a very stressful period in my life I had a sideswipe from nowhere - without warning - words flared up and hearts were broken - my eldest child who thinks she is 30 not 16 {okay, today now 17 after her birthday yesterday} decided she could no longer live in the same home as me!  That box lid I had sealed so tight all those years ago sprung off and I wallowed in self-pity and food then a little sleep - tears, more tears, sobs, heart-wrenching sobs and started analysing my life all over again!  I found a link - my man had given up his whole life and everything he knew to be with me in the country of my birth.  He had agreed to leave his family, everything and everyone he knew to be with me on my journey within - my journey to find my home in this world - he chose me!  I can now talk about this issue - and to Meagan I give thanks! {It didn't have to be this way - but is was - so we will deal with it and try and move on - one tiny step at a time - but I give you thanks for making me realise what and who I love the most!}  I also linked other bits of evidence that totally outway the perception that I am an unfit mother.  Slowly I will put the pieces back together - minus one large sealed box in my heart.

I have to learn from this - NOT to replace it with another large box of pain and hurt!  I have to learn to see Meagan in a different light - to let her go and grow.  I may not agree with her actions and by no means do I condone them at all but that does not mean that I cannot love her, be there for her, share my life with her . . .

Agreeing that I needed help was one of the hugest decisions I have ever made.  I am honest enough to admit that I had never put that much consideration into bringing my children into the world!  For me the hugest step was to realise that I was admiting that I was not strong enough - that I could not deal with what life had put in front of me - that I was a failure.  BUT, I have learnt that I am not a failure - I did what was right - I admitted and acknowledged that I could not do this alone and I did the right thing by picking up a phone and seeking the knowledge of someone who could help me.  Often we are too scared of what other people will think.  I proved to myself through this issue in my life that I actually don't worry about what people think anymore!  I learnt that lesson long ago and it pains me to see that so many people around me still worry about what the next person thinks.  This does not mean that I am inconsiderate of people's feelings - but I am not worried about what people think about my situations.  I care about the people in the midst of it and of course take advice from those outside of it and consider my options carefully.  I try to adopt the attitude that I am doing my best with my ability and resources at that exact moment and if later in life I realise it was not the best option I don't beat myself up about it because at the time I either didn't have the resource or the knowledge.  Just deciding to see someone made me start analysing issues in a different way.  I started to see things for what they are - and not what I perceive them to be.  All this does not mean that I am protected in armour - I am still crushed and heartsore.  I am unpacking those boxes and releasing the contents and building a solid foundation for my future.

We have been through a tremendous amount as a family.  The move here was no mean feat.  I sometimes forget about things that we have done and experienced.

and this post will continue folks - just realised how far behind I am and how far I have come since I wrote this post early in October!  xx