I am terribly late with TUT and just emailed my photo which was due last Thursday! In doing so I thought I would pop by blogs and see if the ladies went on without it and landed on Mariette's blog - I founf that she had pinched an idea from Lynette and decided {in Mariette's words} I quite liked this idea, (in turn, borrowed from another). It is quite simple, once a month you are challenged to blog your heart. HONESTLY. it can be silly, funny, serious, short or long...whatever you want it to be, as long as it is authentic. No judging on what is shared. :) also you don't have to blog, you can share in the comments. So here goes . . .
I am going to start this from 26th September actually as on that day my life was touched by an angel and changed course . . . It had never been the plan to be with Kay for the birth of her first child but the Gods had another plan. She had asked me to be a birthing partner and I really took not much notice of it, of course Quin would be there and that was how it should be! I would just take a few pictures and capture the emotions that followed. Right, I received a call from work from Lance saying I think you should come home as Kay has her bag packed in our car and is waiting for you I think it's time. I casually drove home and Si and I discussed Braxton Hicks contractions and chuckled that it was actually too early and Quin would be back the following week so no need to panic! How wrong were we? I assessed the situation and after about half an hour at home and numerous calls to the hospital I was sending Lance to draw cash and Skyla off to her friend for the night! I had Kay up on her feet and walking through the pains and got this totally bossy voice firmly telling her to breathe! She begged for epidural and I calmly told her we would deal with it at the hospital she needed to breathe and relax for her baby who really needed it more than her right now! Lance drove us to the Heath - almost an hour drive away and gave me a panicky glance during each contraction which were regularly 3 minutes apart. We did get extremely irratible with phone calls and texts and eventually ignored them all - we had more important things to deal with like getting hold of Quin who was in the Breacon Beacon wilderness on army camp!
We reached the hospital and were greeted by a very miserable nurse asking us why we hadn't called! You can just imagine my response after us trying in vane to get through! They quickly assessed the situation and Kay was already 7cm dilated - a little late for an epidural but she still begged! We coaxed her into the birthing pool and she had a little gas - she was a star and within 40 minutes we realised that baby was breach and needed to get her onto a delivery table for some help quickly! I went from being there to hold her hand and calm her to running around following midwives instructions and getting towels and Kay onto the bed. In an instant a leg popped out and I realised that in that big bump we had so much fun photographing there was a little person who was about to change the world and how I see it! It was minutes and she was born and Kay was sitting eating toast and having a cuppa! It was then that it was time to finish it all off and repair some of the damage and I got to hold little Mia for almost an hour - my first cwtch! Shortly after that Dad arrived and a new little family unit was born.
For those that know what I have been going through from my past - the ghosts that I have been fighting and dealing with - this was a major breakthrough on a lot of accounts! I think it cemented Kay and my relationship - we have been through ups and downs - I am the wicked stepmother after all! I had always been accused of putting her first and above my own children which is nonsense! I love all four girls in the same way - different personalities means it is reflected differently but for each of them I would give my life! Unconditionally! It also filled a big gap in my life and made me reflect on my relationship with Meagan. I had so wanted to give natural birth and after the car accident that had been taken away from me! I had a missing puzzle piece which had now been filled. It made me realise that I am a mother - that sounds rediculous but you know what I mean - above all things I am a Mom. My girls mean the world to me - although they think I put work, photography, getting our lives on track in a new country, keeping our standards high, etiquette and manners and good use of the english language and all that jazz first - they have it all wrong! I do it all for them! I welcome Mia to our family of girls - I have loved reliving my cwtches and experiences of my own babies while sharing them with Kay. I realise that what we do today - makes our tomorrows! Don't waste that! Ever!
I never knew what a profound affect I had on Kay's life - right down to having breastfed my babies! It has been so worthwhile seeing those little jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together. Make no mistake I don't think it is the right place for a mother to be - at the birth of her daughters babies - you worry more about your baby than the new baby - it is so hard to see them in so much pain! But, it is a joy to see their lives change in milli-seconds right before your eyes! It is awesome to see new relationships bloom in seconds - bonds of love being cemented together for a better future in this world. To see LOVE firsthand and to be reminded of what you already have!
I have not been in a good place for a long time but . . . (Mariette, this is for you . . .) . . . I carried on through the painful journey and one morning I woke up and it was all over! The hurt, the tears, the heartache, the guilt, the pain, the shortness of breathe, the anxiety . . . I can go on! I woke up one morning and I saw things differently - things were more in prespective - not warped by my perceptions. Yes aweful things had happened to me but the good things far outweigh the bad. For that instant I had let go of the baggage. I had opened and emptied those boxes locked so tightly in my heart. I would not say it was through forgiveness to those I perceived had caused it - no it was more of an acceptance of 'ok, so that was how it was but this is how it is going to be!' It was a conscious decision to take responsibility for ME and not give anyone else the power. After all we all make decisions based on our knowledge and understanding at that time - those in our past did that too - who are we to judge them - we did not walk in their shoes! It was not easy - and sometimes I feel I am slipping - the tears didn't stop immediately - the heartach especially for my daughter Meagan is still there - but I chose LOVE. I will try my best to LOVE people through these times - I am planting my future - and hopefully it will come back when she too has walked her path and realised that she can't judge me for my life and decisions as she isn't walking in my shoes!
I think NOVEMBER has been my turning point . . . I {Heart} you all!
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